I don’t typically offer guest posts, but since I have some experience (very limited) with Autistic students in my private music studio, I really love this post. It explains a lot and I think it offers some solace to those parents who struggle with this challenge every day. My college friend, Kat, and her husband Scott (author of this beautiful post) are the real champions of this battle.
I am constantly amazed by children. I am constantly reminded of how in tune they are with both themselves and others. And, they’re SO honest. Kids haven’t learned about pretense and don’t really play mind games. Well, okay, they do manipulate a bit – but that’s only because they’re hankering for just one more cookie. In general, the kids I’ve come into contact with are pure of heart and genuine……authentic.
Last night, as I enjoyed time in Minnesota with my dear college friends, I was fortunate enough to hear a choir concert given by their twin 10-year-old daughters. Because the “choir” consisted of only 6 girls, the recital was held in the “salon” of their choir director’s home. Talk about “unpretentious.” With 2 of the 6 girls unable to attend at the last minute, the quartet of girls charmed all of us with their sweet, unaffected voices. They sang with energy, excitement and passion. At the age of 10, kids don’t generally know how to be anything other than what they are. They wear their heart on their sleeve and you ALWAYS know where you stand with kids. Why do we ever let ourselves lose that? Wouldn’t the world be so much easier to maneuver if everyone maintained such basic and predictable traits?
As I puttered around my friends’ home these last few days, I was again reminded that kids relate to you so much better when you give them your most authentic self. I’ve known these girls since before they were a twinkle in their parents’ eyes ( I was actually visiting Minnesota the day my friends got the “news” that twins were a’coming!) While I have not been as “present” in their lives as I would like (350 miles between Milwaukee and Minneapolis can put a damper on that) whenever we do get to see each other, the girls always make me feel like we’ve only just parted the day before. While I am not technically an Aunt, their mother decided that I was more than just another random person in their lives so she started referring to me as “Friend Ellen.” As the girls grew “FriendEllen” – all one word – was born. Yesterday, I fixed some random hair thingamadoodle for one of the girls and out came the words: “See Mom? When Friend Ellen is here, everything goes right!” Words to melt my heart and also to remind me that I am still behaving in an authentic way.
Kids and animals know good people. It’s just the way it works. I am honored and blessed to have several very wonderful kids in my life. I have my own nephews (who always have my heart) these lovely girls and other “extended” children in my life through my teaching. If you aren’t blessed with your own children, and don’t have an aversion to them, invite some into your own life. ”Adopt” a friend’s child and watch, listen and learn. Kids will teach you so much about how to remain authentic.
What simple lesson will you learn? How can you translate it into your “adult” life? Peter Pan didn’t necessarily have the wrong idea:-)
In the summer of 1994, I had just completed my first year as a student in the acclaimed School for Music Vocations program in Creston, IA, under the watchful eye of vocal jazz guru Phil Mattson. Going into that program, I was confident that I could succeed and would demolish any obstacle in my way. Mind you, I had hardly any formal musical training. I loved to sing and had a pretty good ear and that was it. I couldn’t read, write, play or arrange a note of music. Still, I embarked on this journey to what I now call “music boot camp” in the wilds of Iowa. I had no idea what awaited me. No idea whatsoever. I was used to picking up on things quickly, but music did not come easily to me. I had a classic case of “getting in my own way.” I had come to music later in my life and I spent a lot of time just trying to figure out the basics of music and whether or not I could survive in this fast-paced, comprehensive program. Depending on the day, I had a different answer. My overall confidence…….gone.
Fast forward nine months later…………I was on staff at the Phil Mattson Vocal Jazz/Choral Workshops that took place in four different cities across the U.S. I was responsible for: helping to run sectional rehearsals; accompany and coach private jazz voice students; sing all of the workshop repertoire and teach basic Music Theory. Yes indeed, I was teaching something that I had no clue about nine months earlier. It was at the Creston workshop where I first encountered a 15-year-old from Marquette, Michigan named Michael. Eager doesn’t begin to describe this young man’s attitude. We all knew this kid was unique from the very first moment. He had an amazing sense of poise for someone his age and an incredible ear for music. He could play the piano quite well so I was surprised when this young man ended up in my Basic Music Theory class. Upon further interaction with Michael, I discovered that while he was very competent at the piano – he had no clue what he was playing. He played beautifully and his ear told him what worked and what didn’t, but he had no idea of the theory behind his playing. It felt like a very familiar scenario to me. How ironic that I would be the one to shake his confidence during this workshop by pointing out what he didn’t know. It was my job to teach him, but it bothered me to burst his bubble of confidence. He had a great attitude about the whole thing and even took time to help me improve my weak piano skills during my solo coaching session with him. Still, I suspected that deep down he was crushed just as I had been when I first came to my music boot camp. He returned to Michigan but I still worried that he’d never return to the workshop again after his experience in my theory class.
Imagine my surprise when I saw Michael’s name on the roster for the 1995 summer workshop in Creston. What? He was coming back? But why would he willingly put himself through such an experience again? When I saw him again that summer, there was a noticeable change. He was just as eager, although a bit more reserved. Michael didn’t make it into my theory class that summer, he advanced to the higher level theory class. He had worked all year to fill in the blanks in his musical knowledge – on his own. By the third summer, Michael had graduated to the top theory class, taught by Phil Mattson himself. He sought out the knowledge he was lacking and soared. What a great Life lesson. Just get out of your own way and stop worrying about what you don’t know. Just focus on learning. The student became the teacher, indeed. I kept in touch with my “Little Brother” for a few years and then we drifted apart.
I’m happy to report that not only did Michael stay with Music, but he now has a Master’s in Conducting and runs a music department at a community college in Ohio. I just returned from a fabulous weekend with him, where I was the guest artist at his Winter Jazz Festival. What a full circle! I can’t express the sheer joy I felt when I finally got to share a stage with my “Little Brother” accompanying me on the piano. I even surprised him and accompanied his Vocal Jazz group on the piano….in concert! He helped me see that it doesn’t matter where you are in your life, you can always learn. He helped show me how to get out of my own way and just do it. Instead of worrying about not becoming a good musician, I spent my energies becoming a good musician.
While visiting Michael’s school, I learned that he tells all of his first year music theory students the story of his experience in my theory class back in 1994. He shares it with them to stress the need for theoretical music knowledge because talent alone won’t make you a good musician. I thank Michael for showing me that even when I didn’t think I was a good teacher, I still taught him something that stayed with him. He has now given me a gift that will stay with me. I look forward to hearing more about the amazing students I’ve had over the years, and the current students I work with. You all amaze me and I am blessed to have you in my life. Thank you for trusting me enough to let me share what I know. I learn from you every day and I’m constantly reminded to get out of my own way.
What do you do to get in your own way? Are you always talking about “someday” when you get to follow your passion? Or, “someday” when you will take that trip to Europe?
Find out what really has to happen to turn “Someday” into Today.
Be realistic and practical, but don’t give up on your dreams, passions or goals.
Get out of your own way and see what the true obstacles are.
Happy New Year to one and all. I hope 2010 is already proving to be a good year for you.
For those of you who follow the Broadway theater scene (like I do) you have most likely heard of the acclaimed musical, “Wicked.” If not, it’s a show that inspires people to be authentic. The musical is based on the best-selling novel of the same name, written by Gregory Maguire, and while the book is a very different journey, it is still very insightful.
Recently, I was in NYC for a performance of my own which I was quite excited about. I got a random email from an old friend whom I’d known was living in NYC and performing in the Ensemble of “Wicked” on Broadway. I had known that she was understudying Elphaba, the lead and that she had only gone on as Elphaba once or twice in the year and a half she’d been with the show. But while I was in New York, my friend Chelsea got the call at noon that she was going on as the famed Green Witch. She remembered that I was coming to NYC that week and sent me an email asking if I was already in town and would I like to see the show that night. I jumped at the opportunity and was witness to the performance of a lifetime from this sweet young woman.
As I watched this amazing talent on stage, I was again reminded of how gripping this storyline is: the poor, green child born into a world that doesn’t understand what it is to be different or unique. A world that is afraid of what it doesn’t understand and cannot appreciate “gifts” that are atypical. As I watched Chelsea capture the hearts of a sold-out theater with her portrayal of this misunderstood, powerful, beautiful woman, I was also inspired.
When Elphaba was trying to “fit in” and not show her gifts and strengths, she was unhappy and not very powerful. When she embraced her gifts, she became not only powerful in magic, but in spirit. Her strength and beauty grew from her acceptance of herself and her authenticity. As the story played on, she became less “wicked” than the people around her…..the “normal” people. These people, whom she desperately wanted to accept her, were the ones who were insecure about their own uniqueness and so they tried to cut Elphaba down and make her feel as though she had nothing to offer.
I find that as I get older, I am accepting fewer people into my inner circle. I have unfortunately discovered that people who are unhappy with themselves do not want people around them to succeed. A good friend once said to me “People who are hurting inside, hurt others.” Too true. But, through being with good hearted people, who truly love themselves, I have learned that I can soar with them still beside me. My inner circle is filled with people who love my gifts and are not intimidated by my rather outspoken nature. They understand and appreciate both my musical and life experiences and do not try to push ahead, but instead they push me ahead. They are not hurting, so they do not hurt. I learn from these friends. I learn how to be better at sharing my gifts. I also learn how to be better at helping them soar with me beside them, cheering them on.
So embrace your “green,” your authenticity and wear it proudly because everyone deserves a chance to fly.
As a performer or as a human being, we’re all subject to criticism. Whether it is personal or professional, everyone falls under scrutiny at one time or another. As youngsters, we thought all criticism was “bad” or considered it a kind of scolding. As we get older, hopefully, we recognize the difference between constructive and destructive criticism. I like constructive criticism as a rule. I’ve gotten a lot better at accepting it without attaching emotion to it. Then, I can really listen and decide if my critic is trying to be helpful and their criticism can be utilized or if it’s more of a personal opinion. What I need to get better at though, is learning not to accept criticism from people who don’t matter. This may sound harsh, but let me explain.
Whose opinion matters? A friend, a competitor, a colleague, a mentor? Determining whose opinion to value is not as easy as it may seem. As a perpetual pleaser, I like to listen to everyone. That’s not the best thing, however. The trick is to determine if the critic/criticism is really worth considering. It’s sad, but some people feel the need to criticize others to make themselves feel better. Recently, I’ve also been given “criticism” by people whom I thought were my friends or whom I believed had my best interest at heart – and didn’t. These people do not deserve my time, my energy or my consideration. I have spent too many hours wondering what I did to make these people feel the way they do about my music or about me as a person. It’s not a worthwhile use of my time. I’m not saying that you should adopt an “Everyone is wrong, but I’m right!” attitude but really think about who you’re listening to and why.
Consider these questions:
Does this person have anything to gain by offering me a compliment or a criticism?
What place does this person have in my life currently?
Does this person have the skills or the knowledge to offer any advice to me?
Will this advice/criticism really make me a better musician/person?
In the end, the most important opinion is yours. How you choose to do things should come from your most authentic place. If you are expressing yourself in that way, then there is nothing that should sway you. It is fine to take in opinions and even criticism to help improve how you deliver your message, but that is all. Be who you are and don’t let anyone diminish that. Even if your most trusted friend or colleague tells you something “for your own good,” be true to your inner voice. The truest colleagues and friends will still support you even if you don’t take their advice or criticism. You always have the choice to accept or not accept someone else’s opinion because it’s just that, someone else’s opinion.
I was told today by a dear friend that I have a unique point of view. What some people consider annoying or stressful, I often see as ironic. So….a new element of my blog is born – my Authentic Point Of View.
Strange things happen around me or to me all the time. Really strange things. Someone once told me that the title of my autobiography should be “Hand to God: My Truth Is Stranger Than Your Fiction.” I’ll give you an example. I was riding home from my teaching gig at Columbia College Chicago on the Amtrak train today. I chose to sit in the “Quiet Car,” which forbids cell phone use or loud talking. People who sit in that car are usually regular commuters who don’t want to hear babies crying or who want to either work or sleep on the ride. Sometimes a newbie wanders in and doesn’t see the 10-14 bright blue signs hanging from the ceiling establishing that you are IN the Quiet Car.
It takes a lot of noise for a regular passenger to ask someone to pipe down or hang up his/her phone, but sometimes people just are oblivious to their surroundings. Usually, all it takes is a tap on the shoulder and then a rather strong pointing to the sign above the newbie’s head. More often than not, the newbie blushes, apologizes and hangs up immediately or stops their conversation. Sometimes, the big guns need to be called in – The Conductor. Now, usually the conductors jump on the intercom and re-establish to everyone that the last car of the train is the Quiet Car….blah blah blah. Today, I witnessed something I hadn’t seen before.
One very petite female conductor came striding into the Quiet Car and screeched at the top of her lungs “THIS IS THE QUIET CAR! THERE WILL BE NO CELL PHONE USE WHATSOEVER AND NO LOUD CONVERSATIONS!” She then stormed out of the car. While most of the passengers in the car were stunned into silence, I started to giggle. Did no one else see the irony here? I exchanged looks with a passenger sitting across from me who looked scared but I just kept laughing. Finally, he started laughing too and soon the whole car was roaring with laughter…..again…..the irony.
Do you laugh in absurd situations or are you easily annoyed? The next time you’re annoyed, will you allow yourself to see it from a different point of view?
In this world of outside expectations and responsibilities, we often forget to take care of ourselves. You can only be authentic with others once you’ve learned how to be authentic with yourself. How do you do that? The trick is to find one thing that will make you happy. Do you find your authenticity by being a people pleaser? That’s me. I know I do that too often. I try to be too many things to too many people and often find myself forgetting to please the most important person…myself. I know that when I’m at my happiest, the people around me are happy too. It’s infectious.
I found this great article which was posted on Connie Ragen Green’s blog. She asked life coach Kelly McIntyre to write about the pluses and minuses of being a people pleaser. It’s not inherently bad to want to please others, but it has to be kept in check.
Now, I’m not encouraging Narcissism but I do believe that we often put ourselves last in most equations. So, how do I please everyone? I don’t, or at least I rarely do. I tend to get twisted up and lose sight of my initial goals when I try to please everyone. If I act from my most sincere and honest place, my authenticity will come out. That may require that I end up NOT pleasing everyone. Sometimes the truth hurts. Being true to your own heart isn’t always the easiest path and it often pleases the least number of people. In the end though, if you act with authenticity, the outcome will be the best for everyone involved….even if you can’t always see it.
What authentic thing can you do for yourself today? You may find that it will end up pleasing more than just you.
We’ve all heard the phrase: “Those who can – do, and those who can’t – teach.” Anyone who has ever taught anyone anything, knows that is completely and utterly ridiculous. Those who can – DO teach! Those who can – are the BEST teachers. I’ve never heard of anyone going to the least successful person in any given field and asking them to teach them how to not succeed. It’s not the way our society works and it’s not a part of the basic tenet of teaching. We teach others so they can learn: to be a pilot, to be a musician, to be an intelligent consumer, to be a good person. Wouldn’t we want our children to learn from people who have already mastered the last two categories? Isn’t that why we send them to school…..so they can learn to understand the society they will eventually be contributing to? Everyone has some skill. If you’re being authentic, you have the ability to share that skill. Sometimes we set out to teach a specific course or skill set but often times our teaching is merely by example. Remember that when you act authentically you are teaching others 1) how you wish to be treated and 2) how you view the world.
What will you teach others today? What have you learned today? Were you in a classroom or at the coffee shop?
With the new school year already upon us, I feel this is an excellent time to introduce you to one of the most passionate and amazing teachers I’ve ever heard. Thanks to Kim & Jason for turning me on to this amazing speaker:
I write a lot about being authentic as an individual, but recently I came across an article about a man who is asking a business to be authentic. United Airlines, to be exact. Dave Carroll posted his story on his website a few months ago, and it’s been a very interesting story to follow. I will quote him as he tells his (shortened)story **The long version is also available on his site**
In the spring of 2008, Sons of Maxwell were traveling to Nebraska for a one-week tour and my Taylor guitar was witnessed being thrown by United Airlines baggage handlers in Chicago. I discovered later that the $3500 guitar was severely damaged. They didn’t deny the experience occurred but for nine months the various people I communicated with put the responsibility for dealing with the damage on everyone other than themselves and finally said they would do nothing to compensate me for my loss. So I promised the last person to finally say “no” to compensation (Ms. Irlweg) that I would write and produce three songs about my experience with United Airlines and make videos for each to be viewed online by anyone in the world. United: Song 1 is the first of those songs. United: Song 2 has been written and video production is underway. United: Song 3 is coming. I promise.
What I find really compelling about Carroll’s plight is how easy it would have been for United Airlines to just cut him a check for the damaged guitar and be done with it. There are just so many times I’ve read about a politician or a leader who committed a transgression, got caught in the act and had the audacity to deny involvement. What would happen, I wonder, if people admitted their mistakes immediately after being confronted with it? Don’t we teach children in school to accept blame for mistakes? Isn’t this a basic tenet of the “golden rule?”
What will happen in Carroll’s case remains to be seen, but United Airlines has surely not heard the last of him. Why are they bringing this on themselves? They have already lost the good faith of their employees after filing Chapter 11 in 2002 and basically destroying everyone’s 401K in order to liquidate their assets. Can a business like this afford to lose customer faith as well? Here are five ways I think United Airlines could be more authentic:
Be honest. Treat your clients as you would your friends. Be upfront, honest, decisive and fair. When in doubt, err on the side of “the customer is always right.”
Be accountable. Admit when you are wrong and don’t force someone to prove it in order to get a resolution.
Focus on Customer Service. Consumers know that they are not talking to decision makers when they call the 1-800 line, but you can train your employees to make us FEEL like we are talking to the big wigs.
Make people feel important. Understand that while the complaint you’re listening to is one of a hundred that you will deal with this week, it is the single-most important thing to the customer at the time. Especially where personal items are concerned, like a guitar, it’s not just an instrument – it’s a part of the person who owns it.
Focus on the big picture. Recognize that the person you ignore today could be the person who creates a negative music video about your company and puts it on the Internet for tens of thousands of potential customers to see. I don’t think Miss Irlweg had any idea that this musician would have such a loud voice. If you think about the big picture, then you can avoid embarrassing instances like this.
I’d like to be a fly on the wall when the higher powers at United find out that Dave Carroll has got quite a huge following. You can view the video here:
I celebrated 2 very special birthdays yesterday. One was for my 10-year-old nephew who is vibrant, funny, sweet, loving and full of energy. The second was for Baby Lincoln Ray – who lived for an hour and a half. His parents knew that he would most likely be with them for a very short time since they were informed a few months ago that he had Potter’s Syndrome. To sum it up, Baby Lincoln Ray didn’t develop kidneys. Without kidneys, a fetus cannot process amniotic fluid and then doesn’t develop lungs. Even though his mom and dad knew his fate months beforehand, they forged ahead – with hope.
“Feel the fear and do it anyway.” –Sting
This has been a favorite quote of mine for years. I saw the living embodiment of that quote yesterday as I sat in the waiting room with dozens of others who were all praying for the same thing. A miracle. Baby Lincoln Ray was born….that was a major miracle. Many children who suffer Potter’s Syndrome don’t even make it that far. His parents could have chosen other “understandable” paths and they chose the one that many wouldn’t. While they were very pragmatic about the reality of the situation, they held out Hope right up until the end. It required so much strength and so much Faith. But if you ask them, they’ll tell you they weren’t that strong. They only did what they knew was right. If there was even a chance that the doctors were wrong, they had to believe that they would be able to meet their precious son. They may not have gotten the miracle they’d hoped for, but they got a miracle. They felt the fear and did it anyway.
If that isn’t Authentic, then I don’t know what is. Feel whatever fear you have and forge on. You might find your own miracle.
I had known that she was understudying Elphaba, the lead and that she had only gone on as Elphaba once or twice in the year and a half she’d been with the show. But while I was in New York, my friend Chelsea got the call at noon that she was going on as the famed Green Witch. She remembered that I was coming to NYC that week and sent me an email asking if I was already in town and would I like to see the show that night. I jumped at the opportunity and was witness to the performance of a lifetime from this sweet young woman.
really listen and decide if my critic is trying to be helpful and their criticism can be utilized or if it’s more of a personal opinion. What I need to get better at though, is learning not to accept criticism from people who don’t matter. This may sound harsh, but let me explain.
and doesn’t see the 10-14 bright blue signs hanging from the ceiling establishing that you are IN the Quiet Car. 
