Authentic Voice Coach

In August of 2001, I was sitting on a 3-hour Circle Line Tour of Manhattan with the wonderful Sara Kosiorek.  We had justtriumphantly debuted our original cabaret show, “Harmony,” at Danny’s Skylight Cabaret in New York City.  I distinctly remember Sara asking me “Do you want me to take a picture of you with the Manhattan Skyline behind you?”  I laughed and said “No, that’s too cheesy.  I’ll just get a postcard at some point.  It’s not as though the skyline is going to change.”  Chilling.

It was a dream come true for me not only to be performing in NYC, but to get to spend some quality time exploring the amazing city where both my parents were born and raised.  In an odd way, I’ve always felt a connection to NYC for that reason.  As a child, I heard stories aobut the Warehouse District, Grand Central Station, Radio City Music Hall and my mom and her siblings freezing down to their bones as they watched the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade.  New York City is part of my family’s fabric.

On September 11, 2001, I was sitting in my living room watching “Good Morning America.”  I didn’t have to be at my job as a radio news reporter until 10am CST.  I remember sitting on the couch absolutely stupefied that one of the towers had been hit by a plane.  What?  Man, some poor air traffic controller is going to lose his job for this.  Drag.  Wait……it’s happening again?  This can’t be a coincidence?  My heart sank as I realized what was happening.  Before I could even process the events I was watching, my boss was calling me in early.  I knew it was going to be a heartwrenching day.  I had a moment to call my mom and ask her if she was watching.  She was audibly crying on the phone.  I don’t think I’d ever heard or seen my mother cry in my life.

As I drove to work, I listened to the news and heard that the first tower had crumbled to the ground.  By the time I reached the station, the second was falling.  It was horrifying to watch people jumping out of the towers in an attempt to try to survive.  The look of downtown Manhattan was that of a volcano site.  There was dust floating everywhere and people were injured and walking through the streets absolutely in shock.  We were all in shock.  An entire nation was in shock.  An entire nation mourned.

While I have been back to NYC since that time, I will never forget that first big trip and that daunting comment I made about the skyline.  I will never forget.  Don’t you ever forget.  The only way history will not repeat itself is if we remember.  Continue to lead from a place of love and beauty, but don’t forget the images of devastation and loss.  We are all the walking memorials of 9/11.  Take a moment on Sunday to reflect on the good things in your life, your family and all of your blessings.  We all have blessings, even if we don’t always see them.

“One, singular sensation….every little step she takes.”–from “A Chorus Line”

We all have to embrace the journey we are on.  We have choices as to which path we may take along our journey and whom we invite to join us.  There is a lot of truth to the adage: it’s not about the destination, it’s about the journey.  Still, we would be kidding ourselves if we didn’t admit that we have goals and dreams – we always have a destination in mind, even if it’s in the back of our mind.  The trick is to make sure that the destination doesn’t become more important than the journey.

It is easy to say that we need to live in the moment and embrace what we have before us.  In a Utopian society, everyone has all the skills and tools they need to feel viable, accepted and loved – without validation from anyone else.  Oh, if it were only that simple.  But, isn’t it?  Can we really look outside of ourselves for validation on who we are?  Can anyone but us every truly know what is our true authentic self?  If we ask someone else to validate that, aren’t we inherently invalidating ourselves?  Tough questions all.  I don’t proclaim to have the answers.  In fact, I was recently reminded by a new friend that I don’t have nearly as many as I’d hoped.  Drat.  Still, it’s about the journey.

Life is a journey that we take alone.  We have to.  Others may impact our journey or even the path that we choose to take but we have to remember that we make every choice.  No one can make us do or feel anything.  We either choose to embrace it or we don’t.  If we embrace it, then it’s authentic – whatever the outcome.  If we don’t choose it but let others choose for us, then we run the risk of not being as authentic as we can be.  I find that I always run into trouble when I’m being less than my most authentic self.  When I let fear or sadness rule my choices, it never ends well.  I’ve spent the last few months of my life trying very hard to make choices for myself and not in reaction to anything or anyone else.  It’s a noble goal, even when we’re not always successful.  It’s about the journey.

Being alone on that journey makes it easier to remain authentic.  When we can choose to focus on only one set of goals/destinations, we have a better chance of succeeding – in my opinion.  But, being alone is not the same as being lonely.  This is often misunderstood and words are constantly interchanged.  As we make our way through Life, we are sometimes joined by friends, family and loved ones.  And sometimes, we go it alone. In the end, we have to be okay with being alone or it will be difficult to attract anyone to join us on any of our journeys.  Being lonely is normal and a part of life.  There is nothing wrong with feeling lonely, but we have to be careful that we don’t make poor choices because we don’t want to feel lonely anymore.  We need to honor ourselves by recognizing that while we sometimes have to be alone or lonely for a while, it only makes us stronger.

Being good at being alone doesn’t mean that we aren’t going to be open to others coming along on our journeys.  Being lonely might open us up to the wrong kind of people joining us.    I want my journey to be full of joy, real emotion and music.  I want to be extraordinary.  I want to be one, singular sensation,  don’t you?

It has been several months since I’ve written here.  I could offer lots of plausible excuses or just ignore it.  Unfortunately, since this is a blog about authenticity, I feel obligated to be honest.  In fact, I think it will be cathartic to be honest about my lack of inspiration to write these last few months.  Maybe my journey and my thoughts will help someone else heal.  Isn’t that really one of the few good things that can come from sadness and loss?  I like to think so.  So, here is my story.

Let’s cut to the chase.  I had my heart broken.  I was surprised, overwhelmed and angered by the whole situation, the circumstances leading up to it and the aftermath.  In the end, the details are irrelevant.  What I felt and what I learned are the focus of this entry.  The beauty of age is perspective.  I’d like to think I’m much wiser than I used to be and I know that I have a new perspective on letting go.  That, in my opinion, seems to be the hardest part of any loss.  Acceptance and acknowledgement that things will never be the same again.

When I was 19, my father died rather unexpectedly.  The truth is we knew after about 2 weeks in ICU that he probably wouldn’t leave.  We hoped we were wrong, but we understood the truth.  We had the opportunity to prepare and say our goodbyes and there was nothing left unsaid.  I have often looked back and been grateful for that opportunity and wondered what would have happened if I hadn’t seen it coming.  Would he still have known how much I loved him and how special my relationship with him was?  I hoped so and vowed from that point on to never let anyone in my life “wonder” how I felt or how much I valued them.   Friends, family or significant others would always know where they stood with me.  That was my commitment to myself and a way to honor my dad’s memory.  We always knew he loved us and I wanted that to be his legacy.  It helped me let my dad go.

A few years ago, I entered into a new romantic relationship.  My first “real” adult relationship.  I have to admit that I didn’t know it was coming and didn’t truly know if I’d be any good at it.  I had always known I had a huge capacity to love but never really got to test that theory.  I spent the better part of my college career – when you’re supposed to be dating lots of people – on tour, living out of a suitcase and traveling the world studying and singing.  I don’t regret that for a minute, but it stunted my “emotional” growth a bit.

When I was faced with this amazing, charismatic man, I was overwhelmed.  We instantly fell madly in love with each other and it was the most wonderful and exciting surprise of my life.  I “leaned” into the relationship and gave it all I had.  He always knew how I felt about him and not a day went by when I didn’t let him know I loved him.  I may not have always “liked” him, but I always loved him.  I was happy to learn just how much I did have to give to this relationship.  He gave all he had too and for a long time, we were on the same page.

The relationship lasted 2.5 years and it was mostly wonderful.  I have no regrets and I wish him no ill will – regardless of how painfully things ended with us.  Needless to say, it was not my idea or even my expectation that we would end.  I planned to spend my life with this man.  I was wrong.

When I was faced with the grief of losing my father, my choice was to try and let him live on – through me.  I adopted his love of humor, his love of music and his love of people.  They truly became part of my inner “fabric” and I hope that they are the things people think of when they think of me.  If I was going to be true to myself, wouldn’t I have to do the same after my breakup with this love of my life?

This one wasn’t going to be easy, but I made a choice.  I chose to remember the good and the wonderful things and try not to focus on the breakup and the pain.  I didn’t always succeed, but I tried to take the “high road.”  I learned a lot in this relationship and I hoped that I would take those lessons with me.  I could have screamed from the rooftops about all of the horrible things that happened at the end and how hurt I was.  It would have been justified.  But, would I truly have been letting go?

It is my opinion that lashing out and trying to hurt others causes you to hang on to a dead relationship.  Whether it’s a physical death or an emotional one, it’s still a loss. We have to grieve the loss of any relationship but we forget that there is always a choice as to how we decide to let go.    I made a decision to walk away from the relationship with my dignity in tact.  I never asked for a change of heart.  I never begged to keep the relationship going.  I tried to understand what went wrong, what role I might have played in the breakup and how I was going to heal.  The healing was the most important part.  By choosing not to hurt this man I had loved, I helped myself heal more.  I was once told that “hurting people, hurt others.”  That is true but it doesn’t have to be.  When you hang on to the hurt and anger, you limit your ability to move on.  When you spend time and energy focusing on the unhappiness of your former significant other, you’re taking valuable time away from your own healing process.  Why not, instead, remember the love you did have and the good memories you did share and be grateful for them.  Let the fact that you did love and you were loved, be the jumping off point for your healing.  If you ever really loved this person, shouldn’t you want them to be happy – even if it is without you?  

It’s a hard reality to face when someone who once said they would never hurt you – hurts you.  It’s never easy to accept that someone has chosen to leave you behind or has fallen out of love with you.  But those are things beyond your control.  Being authentic means allowing yourself to feel and act upon your true emotions in a way that suits your personality.  There is a great sentiment from the movie “Eat.Pray.Love” that has helped me understand this process.

“If you miss someone, then miss him.  When you think of him, send him all the love and light that you have.  Then, drop it.” –Elizabeth Gilbert

Don’t let the sun set on your anger…..in or out of a relationship.  Let the sun rise on your decision to be happy.

Guest Post: A Father’s View On Having A Child With Autism.

I don’t typically offer guest posts, but since I have some experience (very limited) with Autistic students in my private music studio, I really love this post.  It explains a lot and I think it offers some solace to those parents who struggle with this challenge every day.  My college friend, Kat, and her husband Scott (author of this beautiful post) are the real champions of this battle.

Keep fighting the good fight!

I am constantly amazed by children.  I am constantly reminded of how in tune they are with both themselves and others.  And, they’re SO honest.  Kids haven’t learned about pretense and don’t really play mind games.  Well, okay, they do manipulate a bit – but that’s only because they’re hankering for just one more cookie.  In general, the kids I’ve come into contact with are pure of heart and genuine……authentic.

Last night, as I enjoyed time in Minnesota with my dear college friends, I was fortunate enough to hear a choir concert given by their twin 10-year-old daughters.  Because the “choir” consisted of only 6 girls, the recital was held in the “salon” of their choir director’s home.  Talk about “unpretentious.”  With 2 of the 6 girls unable to attend at the last minute, the quartet of girls charmed all of us with their sweet, unaffected voices.   They sang with energy, excitement and passion.  At the age of 10, kids don’t generally know how to be anything other than what they are.  They wear their heart on their sleeve and you ALWAYS know where you stand with kids.  Why do we ever let ourselves lose that?  Wouldn’t the world be so much easier to maneuver if everyone maintained such basic and predictable traits?

As I puttered around my friends’ home these last few days, I was again reminded that kids relate to you so much better when you give them your most authentic self.  I’ve known these girls since before they were a twinkle in their parents’ eyes ( I was actually visiting Minnesota the day my friends got the “news” that twins were a’coming!)  While I have not been as “present” in their lives as I would like (350 miles between Milwaukee and Minneapolis can put a damper on that) whenever we do get to see each other, the girls always make me feel like we’ve only just parted the day before.  While I am not technically an Aunt, their mother decided that I was more than just another random person in their lives so she started referring to me as “Friend Ellen.”  As the girls grew “FriendEllen” – all one word – was born.  Yesterday, I fixed some random hair thingamadoodle for one of the girls and out came the words: “See Mom?  When Friend Ellen is here, everything goes right!”  Words to melt my heart and also to remind me that I am still behaving in an authentic way.

Kids and animals know good people.  It’s just the way it works.  I am honored and blessed to have several very wonderful kids in my life.  I have my own nephews (who always have my heart) these lovely girls and other “extended” children in my life through my teaching.   If you aren’t blessed with your own children, and don’t have an aversion to them, invite some into your own life.  ”Adopt” a friend’s child and watch, listen and learn.  Kids will teach you so much about how to remain authentic.

What simple lesson will you learn?  How can you translate it into your “adult” life?  Peter Pan didn’t necessarily have the wrong idea:-)

As a performer or as a human being, we’re all subject to criticism.  Whether it is personal or professional, everyone falls under scrutiny at one time or another.  As youngsters, we thought all criticism was “bad” or considered it a kind of scolding.  As we get older, hopefully, we recognize the difference between constructive and destructive criticism.  I like constructive criticism as a rule.  I’ve gotten a lot better at accepting it without attaching emotion to it.  Then, I can really listen and decide if my critic is trying to be helpful and their criticism can be utilized or if it’s more of a personal opinion.  What I need to get better at though, is learning not to accept criticism from people who don’t matter.  This may sound harsh, but let me explain.

Whose opinion matters?  A friend, a competitor, a colleague, a mentor?  Determining whose opinion to value is not as easy as it may seem.  As a perpetual pleaser, I like to listen to everyone.  That’s not the best thing, however.  The trick is to determine if the critic/criticism is really worth considering.  It’s sad, but some people feel the need to criticize others to make themselves feel better.   Recently, I’ve also been given “criticism” by people whom I thought were my friends or whom I believed had my best interest at heart – and didn’t.    These people do not deserve my time, my energy or my consideration.  I have spent too many hours wondering what I did to make these people feel the way they do about my music or about me as a person.  It’s not a worthwhile use of my time.  I’m not saying that you should adopt an “Everyone is wrong, but I’m right!” attitude but really think about who you’re listening to and why. 

Consider these questions:

1. Does this person have anything to gain by offering me a compliment or a criticism?
2. What place does this person have in my life currently?
3. Does this person have the skills or the knowledge to offer any advice to me?
4. Will this advice/criticism really make me a better musician/person?

In the end, the most important opinion is yours.  How you choose to do things should come from your most authentic place.  If you are expressing yourself in that way, then there is nothing that should sway you.  It is fine to take in opinions and even criticism to help improve how you deliver your message, but that is all.  Be who you are and don’t let anyone diminish that.   Even if your most trusted friend or colleague tells you something “for your own good,” be true to your inner voice.  The truest colleagues and friends will still support you even if you don’t take their advice or criticism.  You always have the choice to accept or not accept someone else’s opinion because it’s just that, someone else’s opinion.